It’s A Brand New Year
I just finished ringing in 2016. Here’s the video in case you missed it.
The smile you see on my face in that video is genuine. I actually am feeling so content and happy right now that I am kind of scared. I try not to overthink it, but I usually overthink everything so this is like telling me to stop being ME.
What do I want in 2016?
Nothing that I can actually think of. Believe me, I thought long and hard about something to hope for and I came up with nothing. I don’t judge myself harshly the way I used to and I’m not gauging success the way I used to. I feel successful already. There’s nothing I want for me, except good health and continued business progress. Just more of the same.
But I have wishes for my sons. I do think about how my personality and life affects my sons. My sons are 15 and 13 right now. I am not in their lives on a daily basis physically because I live across the country but I always make myself available over the phone and Skype and I send them tickets to see me but I wonder if I could do more if I were actually there. I wonder if that would make more of a difference. But then I think that the way things happen to turn out, is always for the best and I remind them of that every chance I get.
Honestly, when I speak to them, I’m always teaching and mentoring them. I feel like I’m always preaching and sharing wisdom. I do this because my greatest hope is that they will know how to navigate this world when I am gone. I want them to be self sufficient, but I also want them to understand how to handle disappointment.
So far I think they are doing great. If I were to drop dead tomorrow and their Dad dropped dead too, I think my boys have the skills to make it to adulthood and navigate this world without drowning in doubts, emotional hangups and drugs. I’m proud of who they are yet, I want to give them more.
I want them to see an example of a good relationship between adults. Their Dad has so many flings and they have never seen me date or be with anyone consistently and I get scared that they are not learning what it means to be respectful to women. They have never met anyone who actually values me and respects me. I really want them to witness a man who honors women and a man who can demonstrate what it means to be an honorable man.
That’s all they are missing. Their father and I can’t model a healthy relationship because we don’t have one. I wish I could talk to their Dad and point that out and maybe we could try to have some sort of normal relationship even if we have to pretend. My boys need to see respect and honor between a man and a woman. They need to see team work instead of drama and contention.
They already know how to cook and clean; he taught them those things. They know how to resolve problems on their own. They know the importance of education and being diligent and being enterprising and being a creator and being open and understanding of the opinions of others. They know that they can make a mistake, a BIG ONE, learn from it and still bounce back and still consider themselves a good person. They know that their lives are their choices. They know that no one will be to blame for what they choose but them and they can choose which type of life they have by their choices right now. They KNOW THIS. I say it over and over again.
And they know that they are loved. I say that as much as I can. I honor them. I adore them. I write them emails gushing over how amazed I am to know them. I remind them of their strengths all of the time and consistently say to them that I am glad they were born.
I give them so much affirmation because I see what it did to a friend of mine, she feels that she can walk on water.
I give it to them because I didn’t have it and I know that it impacted me where I wondered if I deserved good things and I still wonder that sometimes. I still don’t expect good things, they surprise me.
Anyway. This is my New Year’s 2016. I’m cozy. I’m comfy. I’m full.
I’m sitting here alone in Los Angeles feeling so proud of myself, and making wishes, throwing out hopes and dreams for my sons to be full equipped to handle any setbacks. When a person can handle setbacks with grace and they KNOW IT, they can DO ANYTHING without fear. Their future is unlimited.
That is where I am in life and that is what I want for them.